Hey brothers and sisters,
I just had my first yoga practice in months. I've been unwilling to do much yoga during my first trimester of pregnancy. Between the crippling nausea and fatigue, I've been mostly laying down flat on my back, watching life go by. But with the increase in hormones surging through me, I've been an emotional wreck. Oh, of course I have good days, where I feel buzzy and happy and blissed out. But overall...it doesn't take much to send me into an emotional tailspin. And since I am 12 weeks pregnant right now, my child's pituitary gland is getting developed this week; and it becomes much more of a priority to keep calm and centered so that I don't release stress hormones to my baby that could alter his or her own development and own wellbeing.
SO...here we go. I am committing myself to yoga. I have to be practical about it...I am out of practice and I am still dealing with exhausting pregnancy symptoms. But at this point...the cost of NOT doing yoga and keeping myself centered and composed is simply too great. I will not thrust emotional instability onto my child, hormones or not. I KNOW that yoga is the key to keeping myself stable, calm and centered. I just know it in the fiber of my being.
Today I popped in my prenatal vinyasa yoga dvd...which I have never done before, and decided to give the 75 minute practice a trial run. The dvd has options for a 15 minute, 30 minute, 45 minute, or 75 minute practice, depending on how you feel. I specifically got this particular dvd because it got great reviews on Amazon.com, though everyone warned that the practices were HARD, difficult for regular people, let alone pregnant women. I was too ambitious for my first practice I think, and stopped the dvd after 40 minutes, totally sweating.
But here's the thing...I felt so much lighter afterward. I felt amazing. I felt calm, and like I actually did something to stabilize myself.
In the beginning, when I got on the mat and sat down, tears started flowing again. I just sorta watched the emotion...like, "oh okay...guess I got a lot of emotional energy being stored in there." And every time we sank down into the hip lunges in the practice, I could feel the tears squeezing out my eyes the same time as my hip joints were being opened and squeezed.
After the practice, instead of feeling let down and disappointed in myself that I didn't complete the entire 75 minute practice (like the old me would have felt), I simply felt calm, and reassured, and practical...realizing that for my current physical condition I would need to do the 45 minute practice this week until I am able to build up my strength to do more. I realized how powerful it is simply stepping on the mat.
I felt a lot of compassion and love for myself and my growing baby...respect for where my body is at and happy that I am able to give myself what I need. I feel optimistic and I am DEFINITELY thinking a lot clearer.
I am already looking forward to my 45 minute practice tomorrow and just wanted to share. This blog exists to allow myself and others to share our experiences with yoga, and to help motivate us to stay on track during trying times of massive growth and development.
I am very thankful for yoga. I feel like with a daily yoga practice, the future is very bright for me and my baby.
Friday, August 19, 2011
Monday, February 7, 2011
Just now.
It's really amazing how much force can be behind a single affirmation. In the last post I made here, about needing to feel closer to the life force behind it all, I gave myself permission to let go of whatever it was that was holding me down and open to the loving energy of the universe.
The past couple of weeks, it's been happening. Light has re-entered my body, my spirit and my life. Yoga has re-entered my life. I'm really learning how much wisdom is in yoga. Not just the asanas (physical poses), but in the philosophy. I feel like I'm just beginning to learn of the possibilities. They seem endless. But in realizing the extensiveness of it all, I'm in no rush. I want to understand it all—whatever it is I'm experiencing in that moment—I want to understand that fully. And that's all.
I'm learning to be open to receiving and accepting what naturally flows into my life—energetically and physically. In doing so, it feels like things have become easier to deal with. Just go with it… see where it goes… see what will unfold. You never know.
I'm also learning how to manifest more freely. I can't force things to happen in the time-line I think they should happen, or even at all. All I can do is send out the intention of something that I feel should be in my life. If it's meant to be, then it will. That is all there is to it. If not, then "Ah so".
Intention is all energy. It's magnetic. It's the process of creating a positive charge that will attract what it seeks. All the energy surrounding our body works this way. Our thoughts charge that energy to attract what we think about. When we have the intention to better our lives, it will happen. But in the same way, our unconscious thoughts also attract what they think or believe. I guess what I'm learning is how to focus my unconscious thoughts. Meditation, breath, yoga, reiki, raw foods. All these things are necessary to my mental clarity and ability to *see* clearly.
By *see* I mean intuitively, mentally, sensationally. Seeing helps to maintain focus.
This past week I've been going through a variety of desires about how I want yoga involved in my life—from wanting to attend workshop after workshop, to becoming a yoga teacher, to attending a variety of classes. But all I really need it just "yoga, now".
That's it. Just now.
The past couple of weeks, it's been happening. Light has re-entered my body, my spirit and my life. Yoga has re-entered my life. I'm really learning how much wisdom is in yoga. Not just the asanas (physical poses), but in the philosophy. I feel like I'm just beginning to learn of the possibilities. They seem endless. But in realizing the extensiveness of it all, I'm in no rush. I want to understand it all—whatever it is I'm experiencing in that moment—I want to understand that fully. And that's all.
I'm learning to be open to receiving and accepting what naturally flows into my life—energetically and physically. In doing so, it feels like things have become easier to deal with. Just go with it… see where it goes… see what will unfold. You never know.
I'm also learning how to manifest more freely. I can't force things to happen in the time-line I think they should happen, or even at all. All I can do is send out the intention of something that I feel should be in my life. If it's meant to be, then it will. That is all there is to it. If not, then "Ah so".
Intention is all energy. It's magnetic. It's the process of creating a positive charge that will attract what it seeks. All the energy surrounding our body works this way. Our thoughts charge that energy to attract what we think about. When we have the intention to better our lives, it will happen. But in the same way, our unconscious thoughts also attract what they think or believe. I guess what I'm learning is how to focus my unconscious thoughts. Meditation, breath, yoga, reiki, raw foods. All these things are necessary to my mental clarity and ability to *see* clearly.
By *see* I mean intuitively, mentally, sensationally. Seeing helps to maintain focus.
This past week I've been going through a variety of desires about how I want yoga involved in my life—from wanting to attend workshop after workshop, to becoming a yoga teacher, to attending a variety of classes. But all I really need it just "yoga, now".
That's it. Just now.
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Feelin' Go'd
I really need to feel *good*. It's a matter of living. When the feelings inside me are not of a healing nature, my life is not being lived.
There has been nothing but sadness surrounding me lately. I'm ready to let that go. There has been resistance to releasing the sadness, and to displaying it outwardly toward others, but the only way to let it go is to release it. The only way out is through. I need to allow myself to be as I am and allow what is happening on a deeper, emotional level be what I am externally.
I've been investigating what needs to be done in order to allow myself to feel good. I need to be honest with myself about what I'm feeling. I can't hide behind sense pleasures in order to deny and avoid the feelings.
My chakras are out of balance—only slightly, but I've become so sensitive to when they're imbalanced that it's so noticeable. My second is over active and my sixth is underactive. They are two chakras that balance each other, so it makes sense to me that they are this way. Just as the first and seventh, and the third and fifth also balance each other. When one is over-active, the other is often under-active.
There was a time, not too long ago when I could feel each chakra balanced. I felt light, peaceful, confident… Lately I've been feeling only sadness, frustration, denial, tired, and I've been eating very unhealthy foods.
I'm ready for a shift. I NEED things to shift. I'm sending out the intentions allowing a shift to happen. I'm allowing myself to feel good, to feel balanced again. I give myself permission to do the things I know will help balance my chakras. Ready… go.
There has been nothing but sadness surrounding me lately. I'm ready to let that go. There has been resistance to releasing the sadness, and to displaying it outwardly toward others, but the only way to let it go is to release it. The only way out is through. I need to allow myself to be as I am and allow what is happening on a deeper, emotional level be what I am externally.
I've been investigating what needs to be done in order to allow myself to feel good. I need to be honest with myself about what I'm feeling. I can't hide behind sense pleasures in order to deny and avoid the feelings.
My chakras are out of balance—only slightly, but I've become so sensitive to when they're imbalanced that it's so noticeable. My second is over active and my sixth is underactive. They are two chakras that balance each other, so it makes sense to me that they are this way. Just as the first and seventh, and the third and fifth also balance each other. When one is over-active, the other is often under-active.
There was a time, not too long ago when I could feel each chakra balanced. I felt light, peaceful, confident… Lately I've been feeling only sadness, frustration, denial, tired, and I've been eating very unhealthy foods.
I'm ready for a shift. I NEED things to shift. I'm sending out the intentions allowing a shift to happen. I'm allowing myself to feel good, to feel balanced again. I give myself permission to do the things I know will help balance my chakras. Ready… go.
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Organic Flow
I really needed a long yoga practice. I love the Kundalini and always end up sore and sweaty from it but I needed to just have a day (just a day, I won't think ahead any further then that, lol) where I surrender to a long yoga experience, to really work out my kinks. I used to be such a hard-ass when it came to yoga; I would FORCE myself to do at least one hot 90 minute practice everyday (sometimes two)...and while this was good for me, I was rigorous about it, not giving myself any off days and had to push myself hard every time...until all my effort went to waste because I got burned out. My body just said, "no more" after awhile. Despite yoga asanas being such a great thing, the ego can get involved and then make it not such a good thing.
Of course I still LOVE throwing myself full-throttle into things, yoga too, but I have learned that it is essential I have more compassion for myself and do yoga, not to satisfy my ego, but to soothe my soul. To align my will with the Cosmic Will.
So tonight I decided I wouldn't do Kundalini, but to attempt a full power yoga practice. My mind immediately rebelled when I rolled out the mat because it is accustomed to me pushing hard and being anal retentive about my practice - not allowing myself any leeway to have "fun." But FUN is a VERY essential part of yoga, in my opinion! Today I decided I would enjoy my practice and just take it one breath at a time...
I read about how sAM did her practice to music the other day...and that gave me an idea for how to invigorate more fun into my yoga. I decided instead of being all serious and traditional about it, I would break my own "inner rules" and just flow to Pink Floyd's Dark Side of the Moon + Wish You Were Here...two of my favorite albums. I decided to do it nude because the thought of doing it with clothes on was unbearable for some reason...clothes make me feel very confined in poses. I cranked up my space heater to see if I could get a good sweat going....even though I intended to take it easy...
So I began, and I LITERALLY took it breath by breath. Within 30 seconds of beginning my flow, I had a thought of "I don't think I can do this entire thing," but when I thought that, I gave myself a long pause, simply existing in neutral, before I felt ready to continue. The thing is, I always felt ready to continue after these little pauses in which I could catch my breath. I thought that was neat. I didn't need to get off the mat...I just needed to find rest and peace ON the mat.
What really helped me loosen up was doing a flowing dance within the early poses to Pink Floyd. Especially the Warrior poses.
In the past I used to be very VERY rigid about my flow, thinking: "I have to do every pose I know, including variations, NO EXCEPTIONS, every time." Well, that's not very fun, when you FORCE yourself to do that every single day. This day was totally different. Listening to the smooth beats and harmonies of Pink Floyd...I dissolved myself into whatever felt right. I moved slowly, with intent, totally nonthinking. Looking back I don't remember much of the practice. It just felt so organic and natural. I remember my ego sparking up here and there...but each time I would just pause, breathe, and then slowly move into the next pose.
It was probably the most relaxing yoga session I've ever had. And yet I definitely removed some blockages and stirred up energy, because I felt like I was going to throw up at one point. I calmly reflected about how the ego is in the seat of the stomach and if my stomach was nauseous that meant there was a shift happening in my ego and then I blanked out again and didn't have any more nausea. What amazes me is that I didn't push myself hard at all...just enough...and it was enough. I was so so compassionate and kind to myself. Nonetheless I was dripping in sweat and could barely stand at the end, just languid and tranquil. I must have gone for over 90 minutes but I wasn't really aware...and I see now how it doesn't even matter. The time you spend doing yoga doesn't matter...the number of poses you do does not matter...all that matters that you arrive...and just let go.
I feel pretty great right now. Emotionally stirred up. But amazed at the level of compassion I was able to show towards myself and the enjoyment I got out of my practice. It wasn't slave drudgery. It wasn't a military drill. It was just totally organic flowing...
Thanks Pink Floyd.
Of course I still LOVE throwing myself full-throttle into things, yoga too, but I have learned that it is essential I have more compassion for myself and do yoga, not to satisfy my ego, but to soothe my soul. To align my will with the Cosmic Will.
So tonight I decided I wouldn't do Kundalini, but to attempt a full power yoga practice. My mind immediately rebelled when I rolled out the mat because it is accustomed to me pushing hard and being anal retentive about my practice - not allowing myself any leeway to have "fun." But FUN is a VERY essential part of yoga, in my opinion! Today I decided I would enjoy my practice and just take it one breath at a time...
I read about how sAM did her practice to music the other day...and that gave me an idea for how to invigorate more fun into my yoga. I decided instead of being all serious and traditional about it, I would break my own "inner rules" and just flow to Pink Floyd's Dark Side of the Moon + Wish You Were Here...two of my favorite albums. I decided to do it nude because the thought of doing it with clothes on was unbearable for some reason...clothes make me feel very confined in poses. I cranked up my space heater to see if I could get a good sweat going....even though I intended to take it easy...
So I began, and I LITERALLY took it breath by breath. Within 30 seconds of beginning my flow, I had a thought of "I don't think I can do this entire thing," but when I thought that, I gave myself a long pause, simply existing in neutral, before I felt ready to continue. The thing is, I always felt ready to continue after these little pauses in which I could catch my breath. I thought that was neat. I didn't need to get off the mat...I just needed to find rest and peace ON the mat.
What really helped me loosen up was doing a flowing dance within the early poses to Pink Floyd. Especially the Warrior poses.
In the past I used to be very VERY rigid about my flow, thinking: "I have to do every pose I know, including variations, NO EXCEPTIONS, every time." Well, that's not very fun, when you FORCE yourself to do that every single day. This day was totally different. Listening to the smooth beats and harmonies of Pink Floyd...I dissolved myself into whatever felt right. I moved slowly, with intent, totally nonthinking. Looking back I don't remember much of the practice. It just felt so organic and natural. I remember my ego sparking up here and there...but each time I would just pause, breathe, and then slowly move into the next pose.
It was probably the most relaxing yoga session I've ever had. And yet I definitely removed some blockages and stirred up energy, because I felt like I was going to throw up at one point. I calmly reflected about how the ego is in the seat of the stomach and if my stomach was nauseous that meant there was a shift happening in my ego and then I blanked out again and didn't have any more nausea. What amazes me is that I didn't push myself hard at all...just enough...and it was enough. I was so so compassionate and kind to myself. Nonetheless I was dripping in sweat and could barely stand at the end, just languid and tranquil. I must have gone for over 90 minutes but I wasn't really aware...and I see now how it doesn't even matter. The time you spend doing yoga doesn't matter...the number of poses you do does not matter...all that matters that you arrive...and just let go.
I feel pretty great right now. Emotionally stirred up. But amazed at the level of compassion I was able to show towards myself and the enjoyment I got out of my practice. It wasn't slave drudgery. It wasn't a military drill. It was just totally organic flowing...
Thanks Pink Floyd.
Restlessness
Yesterday, like BlackRainbowEyes, I really didn't want to do yoga. I just wasn't feeling it. I was physically tired, and just wanted to knit and watch TV.
But thankfully, I read her post, and it did inspire me to do *some*. By some I mean only about 4 sun salutations and child's pose… but at least I got on the mat and tried. I crawled away from my mat and sat in meditation for a little while, while repeating the 5 Reiki precepts quietly to myself in Japanese. They translate to:
I remembered this short video from the 21-day Yoga Journal challenge from which I'm currently receiving e-mail reminders. It's about 20 minutes (even though it says 15), and it says it's good to do in the morning. So, I gave it a try.
But thankfully, I read her post, and it did inspire me to do *some*. By some I mean only about 4 sun salutations and child's pose… but at least I got on the mat and tried. I crawled away from my mat and sat in meditation for a little while, while repeating the 5 Reiki precepts quietly to myself in Japanese. They translate to:
Just for today,
I release anger,
I release worry,
Work hard on myself,
Be grateful,
Be kind to others.
It satisfied me. At least I did something, despite not wanting to. So, I went back to knitting and watching TV.
I woke this morning with the memory of a reoccurring theme from my dreams. In many different places, I recall wandering around with my yoga mat, searching for a place to lay it down to do yoga. So, upon awaking, yoga was the first thing on my mind. I thought of how I might get in a brief practice before heading to the hospital to visit my mom.
I release anger,
I release worry,
Work hard on myself,
Be grateful,
Be kind to others.
It satisfied me. At least I did something, despite not wanting to. So, I went back to knitting and watching TV.
I woke this morning with the memory of a reoccurring theme from my dreams. In many different places, I recall wandering around with my yoga mat, searching for a place to lay it down to do yoga. So, upon awaking, yoga was the first thing on my mind. I thought of how I might get in a brief practice before heading to the hospital to visit my mom.
I remembered this short video from the 21-day Yoga Journal challenge from which I'm currently receiving e-mail reminders. It's about 20 minutes (even though it says 15), and it says it's good to do in the morning. So, I gave it a try.
I followed it thoroughly, but I was restless throughout the whole thing. I think it's designed more for when you just roll out of bed, and haven't woken up yet. I was pretty awake and energized by the time I started it, so I really had to slow down to follow it. It might be more helpful for me if I followed it in the evening—to unwind just before bed. It did seem to get me to relax a bit.
I was happy to have gotten onto the mat, but it wasn't what I'm looking for in a yoga flow. I wrapped up my stuff and ran out the door to hopefully get to the hospital before the chemo treatment started.
I'm planning on trying to get another flow in later on today. We'll see what happens :)
I was happy to have gotten onto the mat, but it wasn't what I'm looking for in a yoga flow. I wrapped up my stuff and ran out the door to hopefully get to the hospital before the chemo treatment started.
I'm planning on trying to get another flow in later on today. We'll see what happens :)
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Doing it when I don't want to.
So today I was just having one of those days. My sleep schedule is sooo messed up, leaving me confused most of the time about whether it is daytime or nighttime, and often very sleepy because I continuously try to correct the sleep schedule and stay up all day. Also I started my period today and felt just pretty blah, sensitive, and crampy.
The LAST thing I wanted to do was my 45 minute Kundalini practice.
I could hear my brain trying to talk me out of it. "It won't matter if you miss a day of yoga," it lied to me. "You don't have the energy right now." Stuff like that, but fortunately...I had OTHER self-talk going on, that empowered me onwards...
"Just sit down, arrive, and let it happen. Listen to Gurmukh."
I really really didn't want to. I was in such an annoyed mood this morning. But I have made a commitment towards doing yoga for 30 days...and to be honest, I thought of this blog, Yoga Sangha, and how the members of my spiritual community are helping to hold me accountable for my own mental states. It really helps to associate with people who are on similar paths and have similar goals.
So I did it. I felt resistance the entire time and my mind felt very restless except after I got to the hopping/punching one to release anger and the hand shaking exercise to restore nerve energy. That really did me in. I was pouring sweat and all my resistance was gone. I blanked out and don't remember the rest, but I know I felt peace.
I'm very thankful I got myself to practice yoga...I felt in a much improved mood afterward.
Note to self: do it when you don't want to.
The LAST thing I wanted to do was my 45 minute Kundalini practice.
I could hear my brain trying to talk me out of it. "It won't matter if you miss a day of yoga," it lied to me. "You don't have the energy right now." Stuff like that, but fortunately...I had OTHER self-talk going on, that empowered me onwards...
"Just sit down, arrive, and let it happen. Listen to Gurmukh."
I really really didn't want to. I was in such an annoyed mood this morning. But I have made a commitment towards doing yoga for 30 days...and to be honest, I thought of this blog, Yoga Sangha, and how the members of my spiritual community are helping to hold me accountable for my own mental states. It really helps to associate with people who are on similar paths and have similar goals.
So I did it. I felt resistance the entire time and my mind felt very restless except after I got to the hopping/punching one to release anger and the hand shaking exercise to restore nerve energy. That really did me in. I was pouring sweat and all my resistance was gone. I blanked out and don't remember the rest, but I know I felt peace.
I'm very thankful I got myself to practice yoga...I felt in a much improved mood afterward.
Note to self: do it when you don't want to.
surrendering to what is
I'm grateful that BlackRainbowEyes has chosen to begin this online sangha. I'm already finding it inspiring and encouraging to stay on path…
Yesterday I spent the majority of my day beside my mother in the hospital. It was nice spending time with her. She was alert, chatty and mostly upbeat. I remained calm, peaceful and as centered as possible to help her do the same. I occasionally shared Reiki with her, laying my hands on her feet or holding her hand—I massaged and moisturized her feet. Overall, it was a pleasant day. Upon leaving the hospital I noticed my body was heavy and my emotions began to rise to just below the surface… I was still feeling quiet and still, but physically heavy and drained.
Once settled at home, a simple hug from J began the release of the days repressed emotions, but it just scratched the surface, I knew something needed to be done to let the rest come out. I ate some pineapple, then got onto the yoga mat. J took out his guitar and his soul began speaking to mine through song as I twisted, stretched and moved my body.
I concentrated on hip opening poses, as they've proven to be the most effective for releasing my emotions. I deeply bent the front leg in the warrior poses while pulling my feet toward each other, engaging both my legs thoroughly. I really pushed myself. I wanted to feel it burn. I've experienced many emotional breakdowns while in half pigeon, and last nights experience was no different. The songs J was playing spoke to me so deeply and so emotionally that it really helped me dig into whatever I needed to release. A lot of fearful thoughts came and went… just passing through. I'd breathe deeper and louder and relax into each pose… I let it feel good.
"good"… hehe. The inner masochist stretched me deeper and deeper… I wanted to feel *something*—the more I felt the better I felt. I'd lengthen on the inhale and stretch on the exhale, deeper and deeper into each pose. I felt more flexible than I have in a long time. My body lacked resistance, it just let itself stretch, bend and twist. My muscles weakened and shook, but that's exactly what I need to release.
I felt beautiful after-wards. Emotions still continued to trickle out, but I was at peace with what was.
Each time I have an experience like this, I'm reminds that life doesn't need to be so hard—that it's always possible to take a step back and experience it a little differently.
Yesterday I spent the majority of my day beside my mother in the hospital. It was nice spending time with her. She was alert, chatty and mostly upbeat. I remained calm, peaceful and as centered as possible to help her do the same. I occasionally shared Reiki with her, laying my hands on her feet or holding her hand—I massaged and moisturized her feet. Overall, it was a pleasant day. Upon leaving the hospital I noticed my body was heavy and my emotions began to rise to just below the surface… I was still feeling quiet and still, but physically heavy and drained.
Once settled at home, a simple hug from J began the release of the days repressed emotions, but it just scratched the surface, I knew something needed to be done to let the rest come out. I ate some pineapple, then got onto the yoga mat. J took out his guitar and his soul began speaking to mine through song as I twisted, stretched and moved my body.
I concentrated on hip opening poses, as they've proven to be the most effective for releasing my emotions. I deeply bent the front leg in the warrior poses while pulling my feet toward each other, engaging both my legs thoroughly. I really pushed myself. I wanted to feel it burn. I've experienced many emotional breakdowns while in half pigeon, and last nights experience was no different. The songs J was playing spoke to me so deeply and so emotionally that it really helped me dig into whatever I needed to release. A lot of fearful thoughts came and went… just passing through. I'd breathe deeper and louder and relax into each pose… I let it feel good.
"good"… hehe. The inner masochist stretched me deeper and deeper… I wanted to feel *something*—the more I felt the better I felt. I'd lengthen on the inhale and stretch on the exhale, deeper and deeper into each pose. I felt more flexible than I have in a long time. My body lacked resistance, it just let itself stretch, bend and twist. My muscles weakened and shook, but that's exactly what I need to release.
I felt beautiful after-wards. Emotions still continued to trickle out, but I was at peace with what was.
Each time I have an experience like this, I'm reminds that life doesn't need to be so hard—that it's always possible to take a step back and experience it a little differently.
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